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Q Parenting Archive
<< Back to List | Q Parenting - June 2006All we want is a healthy baby.
If I had a nickel for every time a lesbian told herself that, my kids would already have a college fund. My partner and I said it ourselves?easily dozens of times while perusing the sperm bank?s online catalogue, and dozens more when we were asked, ?Do you want a boy or a girl?? All we want is a healthy baby. It is an answer that conveys the purity of one?s desire to procreate (It?s not about me; it?s about the baby) while suggesting that even the question is somehow morally suspect.
And it?s a lie.
Yes, of course, we did want a healthy baby. But that?s like asking a teenager, ?What do you want for Christmas?? and they answer, ?World peace.? Sure they do, because they?ve been hanging around with those NPR-listening, Utne-reading debate-team weirdos, and besides, who wants a draft?
But how about an iPod, kid?
When we decided to move ahead with starting a family, we agreed that we would each carry a child. At the time, my partner had better insurance, so she got to go first. And we told ourselves we wanted a healthy baby. And yet ?
I wanted a kid who looked like me. I doubt I?m as beautiful as James Blunt wants me to think I am, but secretly I dreamed of creating a Mini Me, of putting a fair-haired, blue-eyed kid in a flannel shirt, jeans, and tiny work boots. (Even if it turned out to be a boy.) I wanted Karyn to make us a cutie pie I could carry on my shoulder like Tiny Tim and teach to do Simpsons character impressions. I wanted a funny kid, someone who would say the thing I always thought of about seven seconds after the moment had passed. I wanted a musical kid, someone who appreciated the subtleties of baseball, someone who was not only willing but eager to watch Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back in one sitting.
These are not characteristics for which most sperm banks screen.
Banks screen for most things you could imagine, and using a bank is a much safer way to conceive a child than just hooking up with some guy you met three months ago at a bar (or charity function or singes event). The big issues are going to be taken care of, or at least included on a self-reported intake form. Odds are you are indeed going to end up with a healthy baby. So you?re left with superficial but terribly interesting options.
Health history, height, weight, hair and eye coloring: Debating the merits of these various characteristics presented their own challenges. (Some were easy enough: Tall and thin, please, and no depression or alcoholism.) Additionally, there was no guarantee we would get the same donor for both our babies. At the bank we used, we had the option of buying more (in lots of six) and keeping it on reserve, but should we encounter fertility problems there was no guarantee we would have bought enough. And our sperm bank had?oddly?a no-returns policy, even though the sperm would have remained in their freezer and we never would have actually taken possession of it.
(Both of those scenarios played out. It took Karyn a year and our entire Baby Fund to get pregnant. During one cycle we had to use a different donor, because our first choice did not have enough available. By the next cycle, he had more out of quarantine. Then, when it was my turn, I got pregnant on the first time, which meant we would have paid almost $2,000 for sperm we did not end up needing.)
So should we deliberately choose donors that looked like the one giving birth, or donors that looked like the other? Should we each try to create our own Mini Me? Or would a donor of Danish heritage combine with Karyn?s Mediterranean hair and eyes to create a child that looked like my child, if for me we chose a donor that looked like Karyn? Would it average out like that? Why didn?t I pay more attention in Mr. Gevens? eighth-grade science class?
We decided to try the Add Both and Divide By Two approach, hoping to create kids that might look like each other, and who could sort of pass as either of ours. For Karyn we chose a donor whose description matched me, and for me we chose a donor who seemed to match Karyn.
And boy howdy, did it work. These are two absolutely true stories:
When our first son (whom Karyn birthed) was about 16 months old, he and I were walking down the street on our way to the car after a visit to the library. Walking hand-in-hand with a toddler is slow business, and a middle-aged woman passed us on the sidewalk. ?Oh, cute,? she said, ?look at this little guy.? A pause. ?Well, you look just like your mommy, don?t you??
Our second son is now six months old. Different donor, different birth mother. And everyone?I mean everyone?says, ?Man, they sure look alike. Are you sure they weren?t the same donor??
It always makes us laugh. And then we say, ?We?re just glad they?re both healthy.? | |
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